COMMUNITY ANNOUNCEMENT: Impaech Bush

I'm going to be hosting a rally at St. Revlon's square tomorrow. It's well past time to show the bureau-fat-cats in that holier-than-though State of Washington, DC that they're out of touch with the everyday American - and last time I checked the folks here in Fecund Gulch are Americans every day! We don't take a holiday! Except for that time the government briefly sold the town to Iran during the embargo.

OPINION: World Wide Web, More Like World Wide Weird

Remember when that mysterious traveling salesman blew through Fecund Gulch and generously rewired all of our computers so they’d be Web 2.5 compatible, for something like a third of his usual fee? Well I wish he’d had time to provide a little instruction before he left in the dead of night like that--after all, some of us are still suffering from World Web Woes and there’s nothing .com-edic about it! So without further ado, here’s a handy fact sheet I came up with to make surfing online as easy and danger-free as surfing at the beach:


-Be sure to check any e-mail you get, you’ll be glad you did!

-Send your friend instructions on how to log onto www.youtube.com, They’ll thank you and you’ll look smart for showing them the way. (Don’t worry, your secret’s safe with us!)

-If you think there need to be more art websites, don’t just sit there stewing, start a chatroom about the topic and invite friends to circulate an online petition.

-Take a picture of the screen and frame it.

-Start a blog, but make sure you do it when everyone’s asleep so it won’t look like you’re just trying to show off.

-copy and paste what your friends say in your chatroom and print it out. When you see them later, hand them the printout of what they said!

-If you’re having trouble logging into your email call your internet service provider and describe what’s on your screen pixel by pixel, starting with the middle pixel and working your way outward. For example, you might tell the customer support specialist “blue, white, white, blue, black, white, white, white.” If all else fails, call 911.

-Blindfold any nearby pets before attempting to hack.

Obituary for Mrs. Tamitha Aerdale

At 2:36 last night, Mrs. Tamitha Aerdale, age 62, was admitted to the sand-poetry and chemotherapy wing of Fecund Gulch’s Montessori Hospital where she was diagnosed with “skeleton fell out” by a vagrant wandering near an open window. The vagrant went on to diagnose Tamitha with several other conditions, including “ President Nixon up to his neck in discharge” and “Elvis ain’t shit to me, even if he is my TV,” but as these were non life-threatening conditions, they were written in crayon on a Cracker Barrel napkin and trampled. Since no doctors were on call, or consider the building a hospital, treatment was given by one of the first-year student interns, Kevin Racewar, who inserted three new skeletons into Mrs. Aerdale’s prone frame per the vagrant’s diagnosis. Tamitha, unfortunately did not survive the routine procedure, but the heroic young doctor-to-be received a passing grade of “the letter B with googly eyes and a plus sign next to it” (roughly equivalent to a B+). Mrs. Aerdale was survived by her husband and daughter who had this to say of her generous spirit and unwavering commitment to community: “No, this is two three seven Chet’s Ranch Drive, two four seven is down the street.” Let us all aspire to be worthy of that kind of praise.

Sent from my iPhone

The Stay-At-Home-Reporter On: Rob Blahgoinavick

Well America, there's a fox in the henhouse, and since no one seems to be making a ‘sqawk,’ I guess I’ll be the ‘pecker’ who’s willing to ‘cock’ the boat, and maybe wind up with chicken ‘leg’ on my face.

The fox's name of course is former president of AIG Inc. Rod Blagoynich, and the henhouse is none other than Fox News--the network that hopes to mine big ratings out of big scandal, by running nightly finance segments hosted by none other than the (in)famous Ponzi schemer himself. That's right, every evening, easy-chair economists can tune in to their local Fox affiliate to watch Wallstreet wonks and perorating politicos square off against an enraged (and imprisoned) Blargoynick. Hey Bleggroyich, if you love the green so much, why the all-orange wardrobe?

The show will feature the embattled embezzler taking guests' questions (and nothing else--warden’s rules!) through the bullet-proof barrier, all whilst issuing his mandatory nightly apology to the beleaguered and bilked, and making stock picks.

You know, I wouldn't be surprised if Bloynavavich says to invest in TWIN. No, not the tandem bicycle company--the purveyor of fine toilet wines! At least next time I’m watching TV and I suspect that a program came straight out of the toilet, I’ll be half right! The Toilet Wine came out of the toilet in the prison and now that’s what’s on TV!

Find more Leonard Shrek pop cultural commentary at “CheapButOffensiveDomainNames.com/Well-Hung-Anti-Semitic-Tranny-Homo/Leonard_Shrek.htm”

OPINION: That's someone I hate you're talking about!

When I hear everyone in town maligning that reviled scam artist, Captain Eagleman -- whose 3 card monty scheme bilked me out of my retirement fund -- I must say I am truly chagrined. Here is a man who was given his day in court and convicted in a trial by his peers and now is being hung in the court of public opinion. I'm no law expert, but that sounds like Double Jeopardy to me - because it's harder and all the questions are in the form of answers. I wish someone would step up to the plate and say "I'm asking the questions here" and then make a vague threat about "where you're going" and how you "won't need" something or other when you get there.

Instead of taking Captain Eagleman to task for his remorseless generational theft which has done irreparable harm to public trust, shouldn't we not do that? To be sure, I and my entire family hate Captain Eagleman. My first reaction to hearing he had swindled me out of my money was to say: "This is weird." I yelled at him as he walked away but then puzzled over what step to take next. I could only hope he was planning to spend this money in a manner benefiting the commonweal. He did not! When I told the rest of my family what had happened, they then yelled at me - a true turning of the water tables. Which brings us to the present, I now hate Captain Eagleman.

But what is hate, really? Does anyone remember when those sociologists got together in the 1970s and came up with a definition of love and then everyone thought it was a shame? Well, I don't recall them doing that for the word "hate." Someone once e-mailed me a list of commonly-used words that are actually acronyms. How about that? Apparently, "hate" stands for "Having Any Trouble Eating?" We've been mis-using this word for hundreds of years. It's a question. A question we haven't answered yet.

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Albert Hall, MD

OPINION: We've really "gummed" things up

Gum. It leaves black crud-marks all over everything, sticks to your shoes and stays in your stomach until after your body decomposes so that all your relatives have to remember you by is a gum remnant. So I'm glad this town tried to confront its gum problem. It acknowledged that its people liked to chew on gum. Fine. They recognized that problem with gum is whenever it leaves the mouth, whether getting itself spit onto the ground (and onto your shoes or hair if you're rubbing your hair on the ground) or into ones stomach. Ok, agreed.

But the people in this town want it both ways. We've made gum a public utility, outlawing its purchase in stores. Every street is now equipped with a "Gum Line," which is a moving towrope with "gum nodes" placed every couple feet. Any time a citizen wants to chew, he or she hops onto the gum line and chews a nubbin of gum attached to the tether. They couldn't spit it onto the ground or swallow it into their stomachs because it was attached. Sound like a good idea? It's not.

Someone has to clean that gum line and clean every gum node on it and replace the gum that's lost its flavor. They also had to make sure everyone was being safe on the gum line, hand out gum maps and generally help people navigate the gum line, like if they needed to make a transfer. These attendants aren't allowed to use the gum line obviously, because they're maintaining it around the clock, so they're naturally allowed to chew their own freestanding gum. So that gets everywhere.

It turns out most people in town are employed in the gum department.

This town is crumbling.

What a dumb town!